Holiday shopping done yet? Me either. Just like you, I’m crazy busy with work, my husband, my kid, and that to-do list that, no matter what I do, only seems to only get longer.
So understand I feel your pain when I drop this new to-do on you: It’s time to make sure all your kids are created equal. This means the before and the after kids – your kids, and your partner’s kids from a previous marriage.
If you don’t have kids yet, reading this post will help you ensure any future children will be treated equally.
Making sure all of your kids receive an equally fabulous gift this holiday season is tough to say the least, especially when exes are involved. But I want you to think beyond the seasonal trinkets and toys that will be yesterday’s news come the spring thaw.
I want you to think about asset allocation. You: Groan. Me: Okay, okay. Bing Crosby is singing on the radio, you’re hanging up twinkling lights, and you're eating cordial cherries without feeling guilty. The LAST thing you want to think about is asset allocation.
Hear me out. People with children from more than one relationship must carefully consider if they have allocated their assets equally among ALL of their children. Very often, one set of kids gets the shaft; either the old family becomes invisible, or the new family is considered second best.
For example, what if one set of kids will inherit a trust fund at age 21, and the other set of kids will have to work their way through college? That kind of disparity is likely to make things rough at the dinner table.
What’s the best gift you can give your kids this holiday season? Find a way to treat all of your kids as equally as possible – from the presents under the tree, to the assets in the bank.
PS: If you see me at the mall looking dazed and confused, just pat me on the shoulder and point me in the direction of Starbucks…
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
The Perfect Gift for…His Ex?
Harmony around the holidays can be a real challenge for mixed families. It’s an emotionally charged, busy time, filled with memories of holiday’s past and custodial negotiation. Still, there is something you can do to help make this Christmas merry for all.
You can get your hubby’s ex wife a gift.
Not from you, silly. From the kids. See, Dad used to have that job. He would schlep the kids to the mall and try to find a present for Mom. Now that they’re divorced, he’s probably grateful to cross her off his gift list. But this means Mom isn’t getting a present from her kids this year, unless they’re teenagers and can fend for themselves (in which case, good luck to her!).
But if your stepchildren are young, taking them out to choose a present for Mom is just about the best move you could make this year. Better still (for Mom) is you actually have an idea of what might be an appropriate gift, so she’s probably going to love it.
Here are a few tips for choosing the perfect gift for your husband’s ex:
1. Don’t Be a Scrooge – Spending too little on a present for Mom is in bad form, especially because she will find out that you were behind this (not so) grand gesture. Make sure that you find a quality gift that shows you and the kids care. That means no bargain basement finds, and absolutely no free gifts with purchase.
2. Give it Thought – Brainstorm ideas for the gift(s) with your stepchildren so that you can come up with a personal gift that shows you gave it a lot of thought. Generic presents such as gift baskets and armchair throws just won’t cut it.
3. Let the Kids Decide – If your stepchildren have a specific present in mind that you don’t agree with, just get it anyway. They know her best, and she’s going to love anything they pick out themselves. If you think she might appreciate something else, pick that up too, and have all of the kids give it to her as a bonus gift.
Getting a present for your hubby’s ex wife can go a long way toward fostering trust between the two of you, and togetherness between you and the kids. It shows you honor their mother, which makes everyone feel good. And that, savvy girl, is what family is all about.
You can get your hubby’s ex wife a gift.
Not from you, silly. From the kids. See, Dad used to have that job. He would schlep the kids to the mall and try to find a present for Mom. Now that they’re divorced, he’s probably grateful to cross her off his gift list. But this means Mom isn’t getting a present from her kids this year, unless they’re teenagers and can fend for themselves (in which case, good luck to her!).
But if your stepchildren are young, taking them out to choose a present for Mom is just about the best move you could make this year. Better still (for Mom) is you actually have an idea of what might be an appropriate gift, so she’s probably going to love it.
Here are a few tips for choosing the perfect gift for your husband’s ex:
1. Don’t Be a Scrooge – Spending too little on a present for Mom is in bad form, especially because she will find out that you were behind this (not so) grand gesture. Make sure that you find a quality gift that shows you and the kids care. That means no bargain basement finds, and absolutely no free gifts with purchase.
2. Give it Thought – Brainstorm ideas for the gift(s) with your stepchildren so that you can come up with a personal gift that shows you gave it a lot of thought. Generic presents such as gift baskets and armchair throws just won’t cut it.
3. Let the Kids Decide – If your stepchildren have a specific present in mind that you don’t agree with, just get it anyway. They know her best, and she’s going to love anything they pick out themselves. If you think she might appreciate something else, pick that up too, and have all of the kids give it to her as a bonus gift.
Getting a present for your hubby’s ex wife can go a long way toward fostering trust between the two of you, and togetherness between you and the kids. It shows you honor their mother, which makes everyone feel good. And that, savvy girl, is what family is all about.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
The D-Word
Ah, the holidays. Time to bring that hunk of burnin’ love home for a big fat dose of crazy. Come on. It’ll be fun. He met your family, they like each other. No problem.
So what do your parents think of your guy? Did they welcome him into the family with open arms? Or did they have a problem with his past, namely his D-I-V-O-R-C-E?
What? Hmmm? Oh. I see. Haven’t told Mom and Dad about dreamboat yet, huh? Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Plenty of successful, independent women turn into scared little girls when it comes to talking about their guy’s former marriage.
Despite the fact that more than half of American marriages end in divorce, the subject is still somewhat taboo when you bring your guy home to meet the family. For some families, marrying a divorced man is an absolute “no-no.” And at the very least, the situation is awkward for all concerned.
Even in these oh-so-modern times, Aunt Edna still only mouths the word, “divorce,” and Mom still calls it the “D-word.” And for those of you with open-minded families who believe in the pursuit of happiness, there is still a stigma associated with divorce.
Why is that? Why do our families still have an issue with this issue? Why do we still hesitate to tell our nearest and dearest that we’ve fallen for the man of our dreams, who just happens to be divorced – with kids?
Because marrying a divorced man means that your life could get complicated, messy, and perhaps even ugly. It means that you may have to struggle and compromise in ways that single couples don’t have to, and your folks know that. And you know your folks know that. Even Aunt Edna knows that.
But while you may have gotten out of bringing your darling home this summer, you won’t escape the holidays. It’s time to face the music and let the sugar cookies fall where they may. Here are my three top tips for dealing with the “D-word” this holiday season:
1. Know Your Facts – When Mom starts grilling you about custody, child support, and the color of his ex wife’s hair, you better be prepared to answer every silly and warranted question. Your family doesn’t want to be in the dark, so be patient when they ask and be frank with your answers. Otherwise you rumors may start that will never, ever die.
2. Get a Prenup – Okay, you don’t even have your holiday shopping done yet, so a prenup isn’t going to happen before the holidays. BUT, not only is the best way to protect you and your future kids, it’s also a great way to calm down dear old Dad. So if you can’t get one in time, at least get educated about them so you can use that information during emergencies – say when Dad has dreamboat cornered by the eggnog.
3. Save Miracles for Church – You may know that your guy is your soul mate, but it could take awhile for your family to come around to that fact. There’s a good chance that at least one of them will give your guy the cold shoulder, dirty looks, and the third degree. You may even get a “surprise” visit from your old - and still single – prom date, courtesy of your we-know-what’s-best-for-you family. Try to take it in stride, and don’t expect any Christmas miracles. They’ll come around eventually; just give them the space to do it in their own time.
Have courage, savvy girls. Happy holidays!
So what do your parents think of your guy? Did they welcome him into the family with open arms? Or did they have a problem with his past, namely his D-I-V-O-R-C-E?
What? Hmmm? Oh. I see. Haven’t told Mom and Dad about dreamboat yet, huh? Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Plenty of successful, independent women turn into scared little girls when it comes to talking about their guy’s former marriage.
Despite the fact that more than half of American marriages end in divorce, the subject is still somewhat taboo when you bring your guy home to meet the family. For some families, marrying a divorced man is an absolute “no-no.” And at the very least, the situation is awkward for all concerned.
Even in these oh-so-modern times, Aunt Edna still only mouths the word, “divorce,” and Mom still calls it the “D-word.” And for those of you with open-minded families who believe in the pursuit of happiness, there is still a stigma associated with divorce.
Why is that? Why do our families still have an issue with this issue? Why do we still hesitate to tell our nearest and dearest that we’ve fallen for the man of our dreams, who just happens to be divorced – with kids?
Because marrying a divorced man means that your life could get complicated, messy, and perhaps even ugly. It means that you may have to struggle and compromise in ways that single couples don’t have to, and your folks know that. And you know your folks know that. Even Aunt Edna knows that.
But while you may have gotten out of bringing your darling home this summer, you won’t escape the holidays. It’s time to face the music and let the sugar cookies fall where they may. Here are my three top tips for dealing with the “D-word” this holiday season:
1. Know Your Facts – When Mom starts grilling you about custody, child support, and the color of his ex wife’s hair, you better be prepared to answer every silly and warranted question. Your family doesn’t want to be in the dark, so be patient when they ask and be frank with your answers. Otherwise you rumors may start that will never, ever die.
2. Get a Prenup – Okay, you don’t even have your holiday shopping done yet, so a prenup isn’t going to happen before the holidays. BUT, not only is the best way to protect you and your future kids, it’s also a great way to calm down dear old Dad. So if you can’t get one in time, at least get educated about them so you can use that information during emergencies – say when Dad has dreamboat cornered by the eggnog.
3. Save Miracles for Church – You may know that your guy is your soul mate, but it could take awhile for your family to come around to that fact. There’s a good chance that at least one of them will give your guy the cold shoulder, dirty looks, and the third degree. You may even get a “surprise” visit from your old - and still single – prom date, courtesy of your we-know-what’s-best-for-you family. Try to take it in stride, and don’t expect any Christmas miracles. They’ll come around eventually; just give them the space to do it in their own time.
Have courage, savvy girls. Happy holidays!
Monday, December 10, 2007
A MUST-READ ARTICLE
On December 1st the NY Times ran an article titled, “Mothers Scrimp as State Takes Child Support.” It caught my attention because child support is a topic I write about in my book, and talk about on television and radio. But you may have skipped it, or not seen at it at all. Why? Because you have to connect with something on an emotional level first in order to express further interest. What you define as a “must read” may have more to do with your career, your wedding, or your wardrobe, than it has to do with your future hubby’s child support obligations. But I’m just guessing.
What do welfare mothers have to do with you anyway? Plenty. If you’re planning to marry or have married a divorced man with kids, child support (and consequently the welfare system) will be a central issue in your home. But do you really know what you’re up against?
The Times article sheds light on a serious issue in child support enforcement, using child support payments to fund the welfare system, rather than support the children for whom the money is intended.
The article also discusses some of the other negative consequences of the system, which could affect your guy. Here’s a little blurb you may find troubling:
“Young fathers with little education or job prospects find themselves in arrears and facing jail time or the loss of their driver’s licenses as a result, making it all the harder to start earning and paying, said David J. Pate Jr., an assistant professor of social work at the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee.”
While the focus of the article is on low-income families, the same trouble could come knocking on your sweetie’s door. It pays to be informed about the child support industry; reading this and other important articles will help you stay on top of the latest developments.
In my book, Every Single Girl’s Guide to Her Future Husband’s Last Divorce, I devote an entire chapter to child support and the potential issues that could plague your family for years. By the time you’re done reading it, you’ll know exactly how to protect your family’s financial health – and your own assets.
So get educated. Stop thinking of child support as “your husband’s issue.” It’s time to change your idea of what is a “must read,” and learn all you can about child support.
What do welfare mothers have to do with you anyway? Plenty. If you’re planning to marry or have married a divorced man with kids, child support (and consequently the welfare system) will be a central issue in your home. But do you really know what you’re up against?
The Times article sheds light on a serious issue in child support enforcement, using child support payments to fund the welfare system, rather than support the children for whom the money is intended.
The article also discusses some of the other negative consequences of the system, which could affect your guy. Here’s a little blurb you may find troubling:
“Young fathers with little education or job prospects find themselves in arrears and facing jail time or the loss of their driver’s licenses as a result, making it all the harder to start earning and paying, said David J. Pate Jr., an assistant professor of social work at the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee.”
While the focus of the article is on low-income families, the same trouble could come knocking on your sweetie’s door. It pays to be informed about the child support industry; reading this and other important articles will help you stay on top of the latest developments.
In my book, Every Single Girl’s Guide to Her Future Husband’s Last Divorce, I devote an entire chapter to child support and the potential issues that could plague your family for years. By the time you’re done reading it, you’ll know exactly how to protect your family’s financial health – and your own assets.
So get educated. Stop thinking of child support as “your husband’s issue.” It’s time to change your idea of what is a “must read,” and learn all you can about child support.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
WELCOME!
Howdy, bloggers! My new blog launches today, and I have to say, I’m all giggly inside. Finally, a unified way to connect with all of you – clients, readers, friends – and keep you informed in the process.
It was just over one year ago that I began writing my first book, Every Single Girl’s Guide to Her Future Husband’s Last Divorce, which comes out in January. Now, we’re getting ready for the promotional tour! The experience was a whirlwind, to say the least, but it confirmed what I knew to be true: That women can move mountains. That means you, too.
If you’ve stumbled on this blog, please take a minute to read my profile. To get a taste of my style, read some of my articles at Divine Caroline, such as “Confessions of a Reformed Brazen Hussy.” Or, check out my contribution to the Huffington Post, “Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should.”
Tune in again soon, because this blog is going to rock! As a self-confessed tech junkie, I’m all about the bells, whistles, and then some. So expect podcasts, video blogs, and other juicy tidbits in the days and weeks to come.
I’ll also be blogging from my tour, sharing stories of women just like you. So bookmark me already!
It was just over one year ago that I began writing my first book, Every Single Girl’s Guide to Her Future Husband’s Last Divorce, which comes out in January. Now, we’re getting ready for the promotional tour! The experience was a whirlwind, to say the least, but it confirmed what I knew to be true: That women can move mountains. That means you, too.
If you’ve stumbled on this blog, please take a minute to read my profile. To get a taste of my style, read some of my articles at Divine Caroline, such as “Confessions of a Reformed Brazen Hussy.” Or, check out my contribution to the Huffington Post, “Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should.”
Tune in again soon, because this blog is going to rock! As a self-confessed tech junkie, I’m all about the bells, whistles, and then some. So expect podcasts, video blogs, and other juicy tidbits in the days and weeks to come.
I’ll also be blogging from my tour, sharing stories of women just like you. So bookmark me already!
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